Why I won’t be celebrating the Fourth

I don’t believe we have freedom. Women don’t have access to basic healthcare anymore. We’re living in the 1800’s. We’re going backwards not forwards. I’m not about to celebrate freedom we don’t have. As a women I’m offended that I don’t have access to basic health care!

I’m especially offended because I keep thinking of the girl I was, in the abusive relationship. If I had gotten pregnant I would be screwed. I would never want to raise a kid with my abusive ex. I don’t deserve that and neither would my kid. I’m not having kids anyway but you get the point. He treated me like an object. I am not an object. I’m seriously offended.

Nothing

Nothing is ever going to be the same. Your new life is going to cost you your old one. Which is either amazing or terrifying. We have to keep pushing. We have to keep getting out of our comfort zone. Keep working hard and keep pretending that everything is okay. Deep down I’m still healing and I’m still fucked in the head. I’m still broken. I don’t trust men or myself. I will forever be branded as a girl who went through hell.

an open letter to you.

Welcome to my blog. I talk about a lot of different topics here. I talk about mental health and personal issues. I talk about social issues. I talk about everything that people aren’t talking about. We need to talk about more things openly and take away the stigma. Things aren’t going to get solved with silence.

I can’t think of anything

I can’t think of anything to write. I want to obviously write something. So I’ll just rant until I think of what it was I wanted to say. Sometimes I have these moments where I blank. But I think that’s okay and part of life. We shouldn’t be judged for forgetting things. it’s not the end of the world. So here we are. Living our lives.

I’m sure I’ll think of something tomorrow. I’m sorry to waste your time!

Making Mistakes

We all do it. Nobody is perfect. I haven’t met one person who hasn’t messed up in some capacity. But when you have a mental illness I think making a mistake, no matter how simple can feel like the end of the world. I don’t know about you, but when I make a mistake I usually over think it and make myself feel so bad for messing up in the slightest. I’d love to write a book about this someday. I think I will. But I need to grow up first.

Rant

I wanted to rant a little bit today about things that are on my mind. I’m thinking about how living with a mental illness seems like a never ending race. like someone is dangling a carrot in front of us and the closer we get to it the farther away it seems to be. (Does that make sense) Everyday is a battle, we may not look like it. But we are actively fighting something everyday. Whether it’s anxiety, depression, an eating disorder, OCD, whatever it is. Someone is always fighting something and we need to acknowledge that. I constantly worry that I’m doing something wrong or did something wrong. I feel like everyday is a battle.

For those that don’t know I have the following mental illnesses: Anxiety, Depression, Panic Disorder, I’ve struggled with an eating disorder on and off for years, and I have symptoms of complex PTSD. So you can imagine it’s interesting in my head. It’s full of worry and panic. Constantly worrying that I ate too much or the wrong food. Constantly worrying that I said/did something wrong or need to apologize to someone. Constantly pushing people away because I’m scared they’ll hurt me. I don’t mean to be a dark cloud. But Living with a mental illness isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. I need to be honest here. That’s why I share my story daily. Is to help someone else!!!!

Why?

Just why I ask myself as I look at the shitshow that is our world. Why are we taking away basic human rights rather then expanding them? Why are we doing this to people. It’s pretty mean if you ask me. I’m not about to get political here because I know this blog is supposed to be about mental health and it will continue to be so. I’m just taking a moment to ask a question that I feel needs to be asked.

let’s take it there: Pregnancy scares

With the recent overturning of Roe V wade I can’t help but think of all the times I had pregnancy scares in my last relationship. Why? Because what if I had gotten pregnant and that resource wasn’t available to me. I could never ever raise a kid to begin with, I don’t want kids. it’s not on my heart. I’m not meant to be mom. But I keep thinking I would’ve been royally screwed. It breaks my heart to think about on either side. I would never want to kill a human but I also wouldn’t have wanted to raise a baby with my extremely abusive ex. I’m not sorry for saying that.

Thank you for coming to my short ted talk

I’m Sad Today.

I’m sad about the Supreme Court. I’m sad that we seem to be going backwards instead of forwards. I’m sad that women can’t get the help they need. I’m sad that people are so narrow minded. I’m just sad that it’s coming to this. Why can’t we have rights for everyone? I could go on but I won’t.

I don’t trust men

I talked about this on my podcast a day or so ago. But I wanted to talk about it here. I don’t trust men because I’ve been to much by them over the course of my life. Now I should disclaim that I trust gay men! I love them! I don’t trust straight men. I’ve been hurt to much by straight men. That’s all I can say.