My persoanlity

I’m nuts and I’m okay with it. I flip people off for fun, I’m profane and gross but I”m also loyal and nice.

Maturity

I’ve been meaning to talk about this for a little bit. But I haven’t had the patience or time. Mostly patience. I know this will be a lengthy post so I wanted to give it some thought. I don’t think I’m mature point blank. I think when you get treated like a child for 6 years your brain probably regresses a little bit. I’m not a scientist but I’m just saying how I feel. I feel like when trauma happens your brain goes into a state of regression. Again I’m not a scientist. But I’m just telling you how I feel. I feel like I’m never going to be mature enough to talk to people my age and actually have them think I’m mature. I’ll be single forever because nobody wants to put up with me. I say this to educate people about the after effects of abuse. This is something that happens on the daily. We need to talk about this more.

Survival mode

I was sitting in church today and realized that I’ve been in survival mode for a little over 3 years and I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted from surviving. I need to actually live. I think when we leave an abusive relationship we get into survival mode and just do what we need to in order to survive. That gets exhausting doesn’t it?

Approval

I’ve been thinking about this concept lately. And how we all seem to crave approval in our daily lives, whether it’s at work or in our personal lives. And the truth is: We don’t really owe anyone anything. People either like us or they don’t. It’s just life. We have to accept this fact. It’s a harsh truth, but it’s something we need to hear. no two people are 100% compatible and no two people are exactly alike. It’s impossible to get along with everyone.

More Boundaries

I know, I know. It’s crazy! But I’m allowed to have Boundaries. In fact its essential to have them. Anyways. I know I can be a lot to handle but I have to think if the right person came along they wouldn’t mind. I have to think that everything would be great.

Songs in my head lately

I thought perhaps I’d lighten the mood today and talk about songs that have been playing nonstop in my head lately. And by nonstop I mean it. it’s scary.

  1. Teenage Dirtbag-Wheatus
  2. All Too Well the ten minute version- Taylor Swift
  3. Teenagers- My Chemical Romance

I swear these songs have been in my head forever and it’s scary.

More thoughts

I have some thoughts today and I’m not sure how to articulate them. Today is a sad day for a lot of people. I was 8 years old when it happened. I’m still trying to understand why it even happened in the first place. I hope we can all heal.

Rainy Day Thoughts

Today it’s raining and while that’s amazing! I love rain! I’d like to share my rainy day thoughts with you. Please note that I’m being extremely candid here and I don’t see that as bad. I’m not going to apologize for that.

Thought #1. I’m no longer going to censor myself, I’m not going to act accordingly. I’m going to be the resident loud person. I’m working on not caring what others think of me. If people don’t like me they don’t deserve a position in my life.

Thought #2. I’m having to think of boundaries I would want to have in a relationship, BUT I need to keep working on the thought of not burdening others with them. It’s not bad.

Trusting yourself

This is a very difficult thing to do, especially when you’ve experienced trauma and abuse. But it’s not impossible. It’s just difficult. You have to remember something very important as well: Nothing that happened to you was your fault and you didn’t deserve any of it. You deserve better! Love shouldn’t hurt. Please remember that as you go on your healing journey. Please don’t rush your healing either. You need to trust yourself and know that everything will in fact be okay. You will get through this and you will come out the other side stronger than before. You also need to take time and set boundaries for yourself and others. It will receive no push back. Remember this.

More Boundaries

I know, I know, I’m crazy! But I have more that I’ve come to terms with. And I wanted to share them today.

  1. I could never be with someone who drinks. see my ex was an alcoholic and that would be a big trigger for me. I need someone to understand that. I think I would be nervous all the time if my partner drank all the time or at all. This is a non negotiable for me. I don’t mean to sound controlling but it’s important to me. So please respect that. And as an ex drinker myself I don’t need that energy in my life
  2. I have another boundary: I need someone who doesn’t follow a lot of girls on social media. I know that sounds crazy. But it would make me feel insecure. I’d also be iffy if they were texting another girl alone. I know that sounds crazy. But I need to explain- I want to honor friendships of course! They’re extremely important. I want to honor those connections. But I’d feel better if we were all in a group text situation. I realize we all have different friend needs and we can’t necessarily depend on one person to fulfill all those needs. I know I sound nuts.