I’d like to preface this post by saying this: You are not alone. Please understand that. I’d also like to post a HUGE trigger warning because I will be talking about abusive relationships and I don’t want to trigger anyone. If this post can help anyone I’ve done my job. I don’t want anyone going through what I did.
Today I’d like to talk to you about my expectations of dating as of now. If anyone can relate please let me know. I’d be honored to hear your story and hopefully we can start a community over here. I want to be as sensitive as possible to this topic as it heavy.
I was verbally, emotionally and psychologically abused for 6 years. I was told everything I did was either wrong or not good enough. I was isolated from family, not allowed to have friends and so many other things that you can read about in my book. -Side note I will be talking about this on a future podcast episode- I just have to do some more research. I left the relationship with more issues then I care to admit. I was broken. I built myself back up over the span of two years. But I have a long way to go. I have to learn to trust people again. I have to learn to understand that not everyone wants to hurt me. I have to learn that I deserve better. All of these things are difficult to learn when you’ve been conditioned to think otherwise. I’m not saying that it’s impossible. I’m saying that the healing journey can be long and difficult. But as I’ve said before. when you do heal, you’ll understand why everything had to happen the way it did. You’ll understand why you had to get your heart FUCKING stomped on so that you could come back stronger than before. You’ll understand what you’re worth and what you deserve. You’ll find people who support you and understand what you need.
So with that being said what do I need from a relationship? Well I can only tell you a few things that I’ve discovered over the last two years.
- I need someone whose always there for me.
- I need someone who understands I have trust issues and won’t let me push them away.
- I need someone who will tell me when they can’t talk. I have abandonment issues sadly. I have a stupid belief that every time I find someone interesting they leave.
- I need someone to love me through my worst and best moments.
- I need someone who understands how badly I’ve been treated and is willing to work to gain my trust.
I need to clarify that I’ll do this for someone else as well. Relationships are a two way street. I cannot expect to take and take. I need give as well. I don’t believe in love anymore. But if I do meet someone who does these things I might believe in love again.